Today's guest column is by HOCKEYBEAR, renowned primeval force of destruction known for his appearances in University of Alaska hockey intro videos. When not traveling across the galaxy destroying planets and stars, he lives in Fairbanks and supports his hometown Nanooks. You can follow HOCKEYBEAR's satirical path of destruction and links to cute polar bear videos on Twitter at @AKhockeybear.
All opinions are that of HOCKEYBEAR. Don't sue me, bro.
Greetings, small humans of Michigan! It is I, HOCKEYBEAR, destroyer of worlds and institutions of higher learning. I am pleased that the people of Michigan respect me and are awed by my prowess in destruction.
Although my astonishing destructive capabilities are known throughout the galaxy, you should be aware that HOCKEYBEAR is a complex caniform with interests that go far beyond rampaging. For instance, I care deeply about education, which is why I have allied myself with the University of Alaska at Fairbanks.
"But bear," you ask me, terrified that your question will fill me with rage. "In your famous video, you destroy the campuses of Ohio State, Michigan State, and Miami. Is that not inconsistent with your professed concern for education?" Fear not, small human. I am not enraged by your reasonable question. For you see, that video was shot in an alternate dimension in which all inhabitants of earth had been relocated to the planet Phoenix. Using my tremendous powers, I led a UAF film crew to document my destruction of alternate earth for use in their pump-up video. In this task I was joined by two HOCKEYBEARS from other alternate dimensions. One of those HOCKEYBEARs lives in a universe where time is reversed, and he actually supports Florida Atlantic University.
It has come to my attention that the Ontario Hockey League has been attempting to deprive young hockey players of a university education by convincing them that NCAA hockey is not a path to professional success. While the NCAA is an imperfect organization in need of a good rampagement, it does attempt to provide players with higher education. On the other hand, the OHL messes up the high school educations of its players, leaving them at a disadvantage in non-hockey-related careers. HOCKEYBEAR does not approve.
HOCKEYBEAR most definitely does not approve of OHL teams suing the Michigan Daily over properly-sourced reporting. What are the characteristics of this strange league that plays hockey and is yet so unlike HOCKEYBEAR? Let's find out by looking at some of its teams' logos.
Guelph Biltmore Mad Hatters, which is an infinitely AWESOMER name. Also, HOCKEYBEAR really appreciates that they took the time to include the OHL logo on their shield; otherwise, I might have confused them with the Kitchener law-enforcement Rangers. Law enforcement and property destruction don't usually get along.
According to the Ukrainian Weekly, the Colts are responsible for the OHL's current immigration policy when they smuggled Vladimir Chernenko across the border for games in Erie and Plymouth in 1999. "Was it wrong to lock the Ukrainian player is the baggage compartment of the bus, Barrie?" "Yes it was, other Barrie. Yes. It. Was."
Well, small humans, I have to leave Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha for a while to get some destruction done. If I come across an evil alien species whose planet is in need of a thorough redesign, I'll leave a mitt-shaped planet in my wake in honor of my friends in Michigan!