Tuesday, July 10, 2012

HockeyBear's Take on the OHL

Today's guest column is by HOCKEYBEAR, renowned primeval force of destruction known for his appearances in University of Alaska hockey intro videos. When not traveling across the galaxy destroying planets and stars, he lives in Fairbanks and supports his hometown Nanooks. You can follow HOCKEYBEAR's satirical path of destruction and links to cute polar bear videos on Twitter at @AKhockeybear.

All opinions are that of HOCKEYBEAR. Don't sue me, bro.

Greetings, small humans of Michigan! It is I, HOCKEYBEAR, destroyer of worlds and institutions of higher learning. I am pleased that the people of Michigan respect me and are awed by my prowess in destruction.

Although my astonishing destructive capabilities are known throughout the galaxy, you should be aware that HOCKEYBEAR is a complex caniform with interests that go far beyond rampaging. For instance, I care deeply about education, which is why I have allied myself with the University of Alaska at Fairbanks.

"But bear," you ask me, terrified that your question will fill me with rage. "In your famous video, you destroy the campuses of Ohio State, Michigan State, and Miami. Is that not inconsistent with your professed concern for education?" Fear not, small human. I am not enraged by your reasonable question. For you see, that video was shot in an alternate dimension in which all inhabitants of earth had been relocated to the planet Phoenix. Using my tremendous powers, I led a UAF film crew to document my destruction of alternate earth for use in their pump-up video. In this task I was joined by two HOCKEYBEARS from other alternate dimensions. One of those HOCKEYBEARs lives in a universe where time is reversed, and he actually supports Florida Atlantic University.

It has come to my attention that the Ontario Hockey League has been attempting to deprive young hockey players of a university education by convincing them that NCAA hockey is not a path to professional success. While the NCAA is an imperfect organization in need of a good rampagement, it does attempt to provide players with higher education. On the other hand, the OHL messes up the high school educations of its players, leaving them at a disadvantage in non-hockey-related careers. HOCKEYBEAR does not approve.

HOCKEYBEAR most definitely does not approve of OHL teams suing the Michigan Daily over properly-sourced reporting. What are the characteristics of this strange league that plays hockey and is yet so unlike HOCKEYBEAR? Let's find out by looking at some of its teams' logos.

No wonder the Kitchener Rangers are so quick to sue. They must have a retinue of lawyers at the ready waiting for the day that the lawsuit from the New York Rangers comes. Actually, the team was moved from Guelph to Kitchener at the behest of the NHL Rangers. They were previously known as the Guelph Biltmore Mad Hatters, which is an infinitely AWESOMER name. Also, HOCKEYBEAR really appreciates that they took the time to include the OHL logo on their shield; otherwise, I might have confused them with the Kitchener law-enforcement Rangers. Law enforcement and property destruction don't usually get along.
If you've ever seen This is Spinal Tap (which you should, because it is about 80s rock and is therefore AWESOME), you know why the Barrie Colts' mascot is so upset. This colt needed a new horseshoe and ordered himself one that was 5" wide. At some point along the way, the second prime get lost and the colt got stuck with a 5' wide horseshoe. That colt is fuming because you know the farrier is trying to stick him with a four-digit bill for the giant shoe.

According to the Ukrainian Weekly, the Colts are responsible for the OHL's current immigration policy when they smuggled Vladimir Chernenko across the border for games in Erie and Plymouth in 1999. "Was it wrong to lock the Ukrainian player is the baggage compartment of the bus, Barrie?" "Yes it was, other Barrie. Yes. It. Was."
While the Barrie Colt has well-provoked rage, most OHL mascots are enraged objects that seem to be enraged for no particular reason. As a polar bear, I am enraged over the loss of my habitat and the threats to the Arctic caused by global climate change. The Ottawa 67's logo is an enraged hockey puck. Why a non-sentient hard rubber disk should be enraged, HOCKEYBEAR does not know. I have visited planets where hockey is played with sentient rubber disks that cry out in pain when they hit sticks, goal posts, and stanchions. I usually destroy those planets and let the disks free. Perhaps one of those extraterrestrial disks made it to Ottawa to pose for the logo, but, if that were the case, he'd have no reason to be so angry.
The Saginaw Spirit can be summed up in five words: "At least we're not Flint." If you love AMERICA so much, Saginaw, why don't you play in a league with AMERICAN TEAMS that doesn't screw over AMERICAN UNIVERSITIES? Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle can't hide your fake patriotic spirit.
The bee on the Sarnia Sting logo is holding its left hand way too close to the blade; this is understandable because bees don't actually have hands. To fully capture the essence of Sarnia, the team's name was supposed to be the Sarnia Stink. The above logo is the result of a graphic designer mishearing a digraph.
The Soo Greyhounds perform a valuable service with their logo. If HOCKEYBEAR were ever to be stuck in Sault Sainte Marie without access to my jet, I would want to know that there is fast, reliable, bus transportation that can get me far away from the Soo in a hurry. Decapitations aside, Greyhound Canada is a much more pleasant experience than Greyhound USA: I've had occasion to destroy buses in both countries, and the smoldering Canadian pile of ruins smelled much nicer.
When your team name is as abstract as the Owen Sound Attack, you have a lot of options for your logo, and Owen Sound decided to pander to HOCKEYBEAR. It's an enraged bear, just like me! But let's take a look at the old logo...
THAT IS NOT A REAL HOCKEYBEAR! HOCKEYBEAR may love destruction, but NO TRUE HOCKEYBEAR ever destroys his own hockey equipment! I hope for the sake of Owen Sound (a.k.a. the Elephant's Asshole - turn a map of Ontario 90 degrees) that they fired their old mascot and replaced him with a lookalike, because I AM QUITE ENRAGED.
Even I, HOCKEYBEAR, cannot maintain my rage against every OHL team. The Windsor Spitfires have created a logo that combines two of my favorite things: fighter planes and breathing fire. It even actually looks like a WWII-era Spitfire. HOCKEYBEAR won't make fun of Windsor, but I understand that if you've spent any time in Michigan at all, you'll have no trouble coming up your own joke.

Well, small humans, I have to leave Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha for a while to get some destruction done. If I come across an evil alien species whose planet is in need of a thorough redesign, I'll leave a mitt-shaped planet in my wake in honor of my friends in Michigan!

1 comment:

Geoff Chiles said...

Tim, this is AWESOME.